Today is a beautiful Sunday in Los Angeles. As I was dreaming away on my sofa with my legs raised up, I got a call from a famous Hollywood actress friend of mine. I will refer to her as “Jane” for the purpose of this blog.
Jane is a fabulous, talented woman that happens to be a successful actress who is regularly being featured in big movies. She has a great career, money in the bank, great family and a fantastic sense of humour. Jane called me to talk about a guy she had been seeing who has been driving her insane.
She had been dating him for six months; they met through a producer friend they have in common. Jane was not interested at first, but after several dates, and this man trying every trick in the book to get her full attention, Jane finally succumbed to try and have a relationship with this guy.
After all, deep inside, all she really wanted was someone she could live the rest of her life with. This guy seemed terrific. Though he did not earn as much as Jane ( I mean very few people do), he was confident and a total team player. They had been dating three months, and all seemed to be going well until….. all of a sudden our dear Mr perfect started playing hard to get.
Like most women, Jane was already totally invested in this relationship as she thought they got on perfectly well on all aspects. To be honest, I did not buy that at all. I just did not believe in any of that. Jane is one of those women who just love to think that all people are good.
Well, I do believe that too, I just don’t get carried away. Though the relationship seemed mutual, this guy always was never quite as keen as she was. What I could not understand is what he had that made her so crazy about him.
He was also a ghost….
He would sometimes ghost her, then suddenly appear with a bouquet of roses. Just when she thinks everything was going straight, he would then pull away again. I could never understand what type of game he was playing. One minute he was all over her and then the next he was acting the fool. I did not say much, but their relationship blossomed, and at the nine-month stage, he said to Jane that he was not sure if they should keep seeing each other.
Jane was heartbroken, but he gave her a glimmer of hope, saying to her he still wanted to stay friends and thought that she was one of the most attractive women in the world. They kept on being friends and kept there on and off-again relationship.
After 24 months of all the drama and Jane continually going through all the emotions of dating someone that is non-committal and always playing games. They finally split up.
A narcissist at heart.
This man was a user and a narcissist that was only interested in his own personal needs. I eventually convinced Jane to split up with him. There were a lot of reasons, and this can happen to anyone who hangs on in a relationship with someone that is non-committal.
Insecurity. Jane became insecure and lost her feeling of confidence cause this man was continually manipulating her and making her feel less than,. She was continually feeling his pulling away had to do with her rather than accepting the truth that this guy was just a jerk. She believed his manipulative tendencies and totally fell for them hook line and sinker.
Fear of never finding another.: Jane also was scared. She was scared of the fact that she may not find another guy like him in the future. She had a lot going for her, but she was afraid that she would not find another guy as good as her current lover who was really just a blockage she had built up for herself. As in she had gone as far as putting all these things in the way of her own success of finding someone else or someone new. Basically, she became her own worst enemy.. Creating fear in her own mind.
Don’t give your power away.
What I am trying to get at here is that by chasing someone that is non-committal, you give your power away to that person which in turn dims your light and can cause you traumatic experiences both with your self-esteem and your general well being. The first thing is to always know you are enough.
If someone cannot see that or appreciate that, then they do not need to be in your life. You have the power and are powerful just as you are You can only give as much as. You are willing to lose. Don’t let others try and turn your mind around, Find the power in yourself.
When the right person comes along, you would not need to chase him or her. They will be there for you, regardless of the situation. Never chase a partner that’s noncommittal.